PSYCHOTICALLY DEMENTED

hello...anyone out there......

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 16:33:27 GMT

Well, apparently no one cares what happens to me or what goes on in my life. No one cares what I am feeling or cares about my poetry. So what if I am cutting again. None of you care and it doesn't matter anyways and it still doesnt hurt me, probably because my body is so used to it that hardly anything will make me bleed. I am so sick of my school and how I am treated in it.My mom doesn't think I am going to graduate.My mom said that if I get my grades up then she will teach me to drive over christmas break, but then she said I am not going to get my grades up, so basically she is saying something that she thinks won't even happen. I am sick of the people who think they know me.What happens in my life is my business and I have a points and such to tell you all what is going on. But none of you ever read this, so I don't really know why I am writing all of this when I know that only 1 person maybe for sure and maybe a couple other people will read this. All of what is going on in my life is breaking me and it doesn't help that Moe is moving to mesa. Ya, she isn't changing schools till the end of the semester, but it still is saddening to me. The other day, in theatre when we were practicing my diabetic scene I was laying on the floor and everyone could see my scars and yesterday Le saw my scars in World History and asked what they were from. I lied to her and said I scratched myself, but my nails are short and broken now. And she looked at me like she believed me.Well, after this, I will no longer write in this journal.After time, maybe I will add you guys on my new livejournal. I have already added a few of you. If your guys's journals isn't friends only. I will leave a comment saying what my new lj is either will my new lj name or this one. This is it......my last entry for this journal...remember if you want to know my new name.......

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 00:52:53 GMT

Well, i have a new lj name if any of you want to know or even care....let me know if you want to know what it is...

Sun, 14 Nov 2004 19:28:32 GMT

Well,obviously no one cares what goes on with me, and frankly, I am okay with that now. The scars on my hip are kinda sorta going away..but they might return..one way or another.....it is not like it hurts...so it doesn't matter. I guess my mom is letting me make my confirmation after all.I still do not know if we are doing the 2nd scene or not because nobody returned my fucking phone call or had the decency to comment or my xanga or my livejournal if they couldn't call me, so I know if we are doing the 2nd scecne or not.My mouth hurts still...i did not go to church all weekend....i might go to youth group tonight only because I am a leader...but I might now...i need to give my mouth a rest for theatre tomorrow...

I am going to get my grades up so I can change schools next year.I don't know where I am going to go..but ..hm..maybe I will go to Bourgade....

*sighs* I am having a total writers block and have not been able to write any poetry...well, my sis has to get on the computer so I gotta go....

Sat, 13 Nov 2004 15:15:12 GMT

Well, nobody seems to care about my stitches at all. My mouth hurt so fucking bad last night. I can not talk, I can not laugh..it hurts when I smile.I was supposed to go to the mall with Jen yesterday but her mom would not let her...as usual.I watched Steel Magnolias last night.I am tired.I was woken up by a little kid screaming...so that's really nothing out of the ordinary.I did sleep later. I have been sleeping later...Wade and I might go see a movie today..if I am up to it...I am not hungry and have not been hungry for the past 2 days but when i was eating yesterday anyways I had to cut the hamurger up so I could eat it.It was that pathetic..I do not know if I feel like playing my flute at church tonight...I like this song.."Take my breath away"

Fri, 12 Nov 2004 20:16:53 GMT

An apology to everyone in my cast:

I am extremely sorry!! I have stiches in my mouth and my mom did not want me to go to school because I might tear them from talking. I can not talk that much nor can I eat much of anything. I am taking pain medicine so it does not hurt that much. If my mom would let me, I would have been there. I have been looking over my lines like all day and will all this weekend...Please do not be mad at me. I know I need to work the diabetic scence and I am working on it the best I can at my house.Can any of you help me tomorrow or sunday...wait..i don't think I can do sunday...But if anyone wants to help me on Saturday(tomorrow..)go ahead..if I am up to it..I might not even play my flute at church tomorrow.I really wanted to be there...I also really want to eat....but even thought it may not seem like it or something...this play means a lot to me..and if i could be there I would but I can't. I really do not want to let you guys down. I finally have stopped spitting yellowish spit(probably from the numbing med...) and blood. Yesterday, all I got to eat was french fries and that hurt my mouth. So....I can not eat a lot of things so that I don't tear the stiches...my mouth is still swollen a little...There is really nothing I can do...and so... I am going to try and rent the movie and get as many people as I can to help me and make sure that I have my lines memorized. When on the phone with you guys, I could tell that you guys were pissed. But, like I said, please do not blame it on me, it is not my fault. I would very much like to be there working on it. And I am not being sarcastic. I know that this counts for a huge grade and everything..but it is not like I am never there...this is what...the 1st I have missed 6th hour since we have been doing the play..I feel now that you guys do not care if I am well or not.... if i tear these stiches, then I have to get them done again and then won't be there for the run-through..which would you guys rather have..me not there today or not there for the run-through....today right? that is what i thought. i have to go!! bye...

Fri, 12 Nov 2004 17:27:05 GMT

My boyfriend (Wade) was going to stop by my school and try to get on campus(which should not be that hard since i go to DV) and see me and give me our homecoming pictures. But my mom did not want me to go to school.So he is going to stop by my house..he is going to ride his bike like 2 miles or so...maybe he'll take the bus...

hm.. i didnt write any thing about sunday...so i will;
I was at church for 12 hours!! lol..i had to spend the whole day with my youth group leader (chris) and my 2 guy friends;Brandon and JOey;guys are soo stupid sometimes....lol...Then, when we were practicing for the skit...i was singing in it..(jesus loves me) in my little kid voice and chris had messed with it so it sounded kinda evil and all the lights were off and james(who played jesus) who was carrying carissa (who was the depressed person) away and then the pizza guy walks down into the basmement(where we were).....ya....lol...that was hilarious....i think we kinda scared the pizza guy or something...lol..

The 27th will be 2 months for Wade and I. I like him sooo much and would be soooooo heartbroken if we broke up...It is soo sweet of him to come by my house...that is if his dad lets him....I like him soo much.. I always think about him. But for awhile I have been having these dreams that he dies!! I don't know why.. I asked my friend and she said because I am afraid to lose him...I would like your guys opinion on that. What do you guys think?

Thu, 11 Nov 2004 18:02:17 GMT

Wade and I were supposed to see Polar Express today..but he gets to do family stuff instead. I got back from the dentist not too long ago...not fun at at...my mouth is still kinda bleeding and swollen..i am still spitting spit and blod...i cant eat...i have not eaten since last night and i am soo fucking hungry..i have a meeting tonight at church..dont know if i am going to go..bored to death..my mouth hurts and looks horrible...i have the elvis lip thing right now..lol...so feel like talking...

Wed, 10 Nov 2004 23:17:50 GMT

ya..i have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning at 8 am and i have no school tomorrow. I also am supposed to go see a movie with my boyfriend....i think i might have us go see Raise your voice....the only thing that kinda sucks about that movie is that it has Hilary Duff in it..but it is about singing..so it sounds okay..well..i gotta go...and the stupid tac would not make me bleed....not that any of you care.....

Tue, 09 Nov 2004 22:40:02 GMT

I am watching Step by Step... I have 8 new scars on me from last night...
the counselor gave me this website to see what careers would be good for me...here are what they said what the top 20 career for me were: Dance Instructor
Actor
Clown
Choreographer
Photostylist
Ballet Dancer
TV Host
High School Drama Teacher
Playwright
Stage Director
Stand-up Comedian
Puppeteer
Multimedia Writer
Scriptwriter
Sports Photographer
Make-up Artist
Interior Designer
Casting Director
Orchestra Conductor
Computer Animator
hm.... a clown??? lol....

um....ya... i hate people.....people hate me..it all works out....
i'm not anti-social, society is anti-me....i took a tac from school...it was green...i am tired....i have choir practice tonight...my spanish teacher goes to my church....i have to stay after tomorrow to take a couple of quizzez i missed today..i have a test tomorrow....on monday i have to stay after so the dance teacher can see where i am at and will either put me in dance 3-4 or 5-6 or maybe performance dance for the 2nd semester..i am talking to my boyfriend right now....um...ya....

Tue, 09 Nov 2004 01:32:30 GMT

well, i lost a friend who didnt even want to be my friend in the first place. but he never told me before because he didnt want to hurt me...

whatever....

Mon, 08 Nov 2004 22:54:30 GMT

I was reading the comments on my sister's xanga and this is what part of one said:
i mean wasnt your sis the one the flunked out of that art school and now shes at dv?

fucking a!!!!! I did not fucking flunk out. The academics were shit because they did not know what the hell they were doing. I hate it at dv so fucking much!!! I don't fucking want to go there!! My mom won't let me change schools!! My art school that I went to last year is sooo much better this year. I would rather go to any other school as long as I don't have to fucking go to dv!!

Last night's topic at XALT was Suicide and next week's topic is Abuse...ya....two sad topics in a row...

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 19:35:58 GMT

perfectagentk: smile
RiZzaMyNIzZa13:
perfectagentk: no
perfectagentk: try it...its easy
perfectagentk: and its better thena poke in the eye
RiZzaMyNIzZa13: why would i get poked in the eye?
perfectagentk: i dunno
RiZzaMyNIzZa13:
perfectagentk: i just know my quote is smile its ebtter then a poke inthe eye
RiZzaMyNIzZa13: uh-huh...
perfectagentk: ok...so um yeah
RiZzaMyNIzZa13:
perfectagentk: yay!!
RiZzaMyNIzZa13:
perfectagentk: i made you smile!!!
perfectagentk: my job is complete
RiZzaMyNIzZa13: lol..
perfectagentk:
RiZzaMyNIzZa13: ...im pimpin now......J/K!!!!!!!!
perfectagentk: kick ass
RiZzaMyNIzZa13: lol
RiZzaMyNIzZa13:
perfectagentk: =)
RiZzaMyNIzZa13:

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 18:04:20 GMT

my friends away message:A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home. One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.

The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!"

The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

on xanga... i was looking at the blogrings and I found on called "Just say no to theatre" and on the information part it says "Friends don't let friend join theatre"

that is fucking messed up...well, it is their opinion so whatever...

well,...i dont know what to say, once again....

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 15:17:42 GMT

I am bored and do not feel like typing what is going on in my life right now...so randomly I will post annoucements for past youth group meetings...this one was from Battle of the Sexes

G: Hi, I’m (name) and this is, uh, (name) or something. I’m here to tell you about this weeks’ Xalt.

B: No. I get to tell them!

G: Ladies first!

B: But I wanted to tell them that Sunday’s XALT is "Battle of the Sexes."

G: Fine! But I’ll tell them that it starts at 6pm, and that there will be pizza and soda for sale.

B: What about the retreat? I suppose you’ll tell them that their permission forms and money are due ASAP as well?

G: Well, it is coming up- October 15^th through 17^th. Do you think you’d do a better job at announcing it?

B: Well, I’ll show you! I bet there will be more guys than girls at XALT this week. Right, guys?

G: No! There will definitely be more girls! Come on, ladies!

B: Whatever. Hope to see you all there when the guys take over.

G: And to all you out there- especially the girls- Thank you!

ya.. that sounds like Brandon and I soo much...but he was not there to do the annoucements with me...so I had to find a guy to do this with.... well, ya...um..this post was random....

i really do not know what else to write...

i got no sleep last night..again..

Fri, 05 Nov 2004 22:13:50 GMT

Well, I got spit on and ice down my back..well, she was not aiming at me, but when she found out who it hit, she was happy that she hit a "freak". people were calling me a "stupid goth".I got no sleep last night again. i cant write much..

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 19:07:13 GMT

my mom kept saying that I am soo pathetic and that since I want to be an actress--congragulations---I am.
She says I am a different person at church than I am at school and I am a completely different person at home
She still does not want me to make my confirmation.
Dan K. ended up a sponsor for 3 people,so my new keesponsor is Danica M.
For the skit, for youth group on Sunday, instead of being the depressed person..I get to be the little kid singing the "Jesus loves me" song, since I can sound like a little kid and because I can sing.
Dan D. asked me for my number yesterday.
I gave Anthony my number when I was messing with his cell phone.
Something is going on with my sister but she won't tell me..and I am starting to worry because I care about her.
The school told my parents that I keep passing out.
I passed out only twice.
The school is "worried" about my weight and my health/
The school thinks I am anorexic.
My mom thinks I am anorexic.
lets think about that:I eat breakfast, I have a snack after 1st hour;I have a snack during 2nd hour;I have a snack between 2nd and 3rd hour;every once in a while I have a snack during 3rd hour;then I have lunch;then I have a snack in 6th hour; and then I have have a snack before 7th hour....and people think I am anorexic...
the school thinks I am anorexic and when more than half the teachers see me eating all the fucking time.
I did not cut last night, even though I wanted to soo fucking bad..but I was soo close to taking some pills.
i am fucking sick of my mom.
i dont want to live here anymore. I do not want to go to my school.
i do not like more than half of my teachers and vice versa.
i guess my mom is not into me and the whole acting thing...
i do not feel like writing all of what is going on..

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 22:17:02 GMT

In theatre today I was flipping out because i kept feeling like things were crawling on me and then my eyes started watering and so the director,Angie asked if I was high and i for some reason i said i dont think so...but ya..i amused everyone.my arm still hurts like fuck and that one chick gave me a mean look. last night i accidently scratched my face and it started bleeding...i didnt know that my nails were that sharp.Wade is supposed to pick up our homecoming pictures today....i hope they turned out good

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 22:24:10 GMT

well, i screwed up my lines again and I am supposed to be off-book tomorrow....i have most of them memorized..

*sighs* I am so sick of water being thrown on me because I'm a "goth". I am sick of being laughed at. I hate this school. I have had to deal with all this and more since kindergarden, and I can't take it anymore...
i....*tries to cry but can't* i need a friend that will stick by me all the time... but i dont know who will do that for me....*cries* I need a hug or to cry on someone's shoulder or something......

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 00:39:23 GMT

I sit alone and wonder

I know why everyone has left

Everything matters now

My heart is forever down to rest

My heart does know love, but not as well as it knows hatred

Love and lust are still lost to me

Why is this meant to be?

sorry it is soo crappy!!!!!

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 21:30:02 GMT

i have nothing to do tonight. I am going to be bored as hell. well, atleast i am going over to my aunt's house and watching horror movies...for lack of nothing better to do or anyone to hang out with. fun shit....
my boyfriend is going to be at our friend, Sean's house...its a guys party...therfore i cannot go.I hope my aunt has some good horror movies...she likes horror movies just like me..me and her are both known as the "vampires of the family"LOL....Maybe she'll give me more of her clothes....lol. the last pack of clothes did not fit me so she gave them to Jade..Jade's boyfriend and friends are coming over tonight....atleast she has someone to hang out with...well, my aunt is kool i guess...well, atleast this one is....my mom won't let me watch Vampires because she said it was inaproprate..well, my grandpa is here...im going out to eat with him...

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 14:30:38 GMT

my costume came out good. my hair turned out really good. my youth group leader dressed up as a swedish girl...
4 of my guy friends dressed of a KISS.my friend, shanen dressed up as Lucy....
it was fun and then Adam wanted me to come to his block party but my mom wouldnt let me. um....i love you....

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 00:53:54 GMT

my mom called me mentally ill
she is going to take me out of confirmation, being a youth group leader and actually going to youth group
i spent $5.17 at Walgreens on shaping mousse, gel, hairspray and bobby pins.
my hair is going to be soo screwed by monday...
i have no one to talk to while i get ready because everyone is at church
my mom would not let me go and help set up for the dance
this is most likely the last thing I get to do with my youth group
i am bored and dont know what else to write.

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 17:26:10 GMT

My mom think I am a mean, selfish, ungrateful little brat
She thinks I have no friends
She is going to take me out of my confirmation class because she thinks I am not ready.
She says I treat my boyfriends horrible
She tells the little ones not to end up like me
She thinks I have no friends because they hardly ever call me
Unlike me, my friends actually have stuff to do
Most of my friends are in Marching Band
And a lot of them have jobs too.
Both of those take a lot of commitment and time
I feel so worthless--maybe because I am
Everything I do, I screw up
I don't know what to do anymore
I think my mom thinks that my boyfriend is too good for me
Mountain Ridge beat Deer Valley 37 to 9
I don't even see why we are rivals..we suck..especially compared to them...
Since I think I am such a horrible girlfriend, maybe my mom is right...
No!!...I dont want my mom to be right about that..
She thinks I am being something I'm not
But instead of her wanting me to be myself..
She basically wants me to be like her and my sister; I am screwing up Steel Magnolias...
well, screw that!!!

I sit alone and wonder

I know why everyone has left

Everything matters now

My heart is forever down to rest

My heart does know love, but not as well as it knows hatred

Love and lust are still lost to me

Why is this meant to be?

um...well, i have to finish my stuff before I go to church at 3 to set up for the dance...

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 14:56:52 GMT

ysterday this one chick threw water on me and i turned about and said what the fuck and her friend made a sarcastic oohh.. and my mom is calling me an ungrateful brat.....my costume is done...i am wearing the shoes i wore to prom..lol...shit...g0tta go...

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 00:48:23 GMT

Well, I most likely failed my World History test.....no surprise there.....my grandma is coming over tonight so I can try my costume on. So that is kool. I still do not know what shoes I am going to wear. Well, I wore my Morticia/Elvira dress and everyone said that I either looked cute, hot, sexy, really pretty, beautiful....etc.. i also was wearing my eyeliner kinda sorta think with dark red lip stick... I guess that is the only way I am pretty...even though though I looked horrible.....

i once again got no sleep last night...i gotta go.....